Genuine Apology

What is a Genuine Apology?

The word apology comes from the Greek word “apologia.” Apologia means “explanation.”  Therefore, an explanation is the main and most important part of an apology. An apology is not merely saying the words, “I am sorry.”  If an apology is to be more than saying, “I am sorry,” it must include an explanation of the wrongdoing as well as an acknowledgement of wrongdoing. One cannot give an explanation of wrongdoing before or without an acknowledgement of the details of the harm done.

            People harm others all the time and they may apologize. I am concerned that some apologies are given for the wrong reasons. Are the apologies given to the right person?  Is the apology given by the right person?  Is the apology given for the right reasons? Did the apology bring about the right results?

            A genuine apology must be given directly to the offended. The offender must claim their fault in no uncertain terms and words. There should be no minimizing their guilt or the extent of harm. A good apology should sound like, “I am sorry for what I did to you. I have no excuses for my behavior. I know I hurt you.” Statements like, “I am sorry if you think I hurt you,” are not an apology.      

Whenever possible, the offender must give a genuine apology to the victim directly, not through a third party. The offender must (1) acknowledge their fault, (2) acknowledge the harm and pain they have caused to the offended, (3) show remorse for the wrongdoing and explain the reason without excuses, and (4) find a way to repair the damage done. Only then may the offender request (not expect or demand), forgiveness.  

            Reparation must fit the harm done. Remorse and reparation should be offered with the goal to help the victim regain his/her respect, honor and somehow repair the damages suffered.  Inadequate remorse and unfitting reparation can cause more harm. For example, some victims of sexual abuse have described feeling like prostitutes when money was offered by the offender as reparation for the insult, pain and lost honor. When Japanese Americans were given $20,000 as reparation by the American government for keeping them in concentration camps for 4 years during World War II, one Japanese American victim stated, “The American government stole 4 years of my childhood and has now put a price of $5,000 for each stolen year. It would have been better to receive no financial settlement.” The victim was not satisfied with the apology or the reparation. It was obviously not a successful apology.

Depending on the harm done, appropriate and genuine reparation can sometimes be as simple and symbolic as a compliment, offering a drink or dinner. Or, it could be as large as publicly shaming yourself for the wrongdoing against the offended. The offender has to find a way for the victim to feel heard, acknowledged and safe in the relationship by making sure that the victim’s needs are fulfilled.

            The apology has to be about the victim, not about the offender.