Monday, November 23, 2015
I SO WANT IT TO BE TRUE!
I KNOW SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE, SO WHY DO I WANT TO CARRY THE WEIGHT OF THEIR MISTAKES ON MY SHOULDERS? THE SOONER I LEARN TO LET GO, THE BETTER IT’S GOING TO BE FOR MY GROWTH.
I KNOW WHAT I NEED IN AN APOLOGY. I HAVE WAITED FOR IT TOO LONG. WAITING FOR IT ONLY CAUSES ME HEARTACHE. I HAVE TRIED TALKING. I ONLY GET EXCUSES THAT I DON’T LIKE. I AM GIVING SOMEONE ELSE THE POWER TO MAKE ME HURT MORE.
I HAVE FINALLY GIVEN UP TRYING TO HAVE SOMEONE RELEASE ME FROM THE PAST. IT IS WHAT HAPPENED. I KNOW IT AND THEY KNOW IT. THEY WILL NOT ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY. TO MAKE THEM ACCEPT FAULT AND APOLOGIZE WOULD BE NICE, BUT AT THIS POINT IT’S NOT IMPORTANT BECAUSE I HAVE COME A LONG WAY FROM THERE. I AM NOT A CHILD ANYMORE. I AM NOT AFRAID ANYMORE. I COULD NOT SAY NO THEN, BUT I CAN SAY NO NOW.
I WILL ASSUME THE APOLOGY HAPPENED. I WILL ACCEPT THE APOLOGY I NEVER GOT AND MOVE ON. I WILL RECLAIM MY POWER!
Monday, November 16, 2015
I believe this too. I know, as hard as I try to be good and proper, I still make mistakes. I believe in giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. I believe in “loving thy neighbor as thyself.” Matter of fact, it is the only commandment that I really resonate with and believe helps us be good citizens and love and forgive each other. The rest of the commandments are obvious.
Forgiving someone is good but letting him or her hurt you again and again is not good. Just like loving someone else is good but loving someone at your own cost and not loving yourself enough is not good. If you let someone hurt you again and again, and you are not doing anything to stop it or move away from them, you are not loving yourself and, you are not being good to yourself. Jesus may have said turn the other cheek, but I don’t remember him ever saying let them strike you again.
"Hit Me Once, Shame On You.
Hit Me Twice, Shame On Me."
I’m sure you’ve heard this phrase before, but it doesn’t only refer to physical hitting. People hit and abuse others in many ways. Physical pain is just one of many ways people hurt. Emotional and verbal abusers get away with it everyday. All too often, the victims try to please these abusers more and the abuse only gets worse. This kind of abuse can go on for years. The victim keeps trying to forgive and move on till they are hit again, but the abuser does not stop till the victim decides not to be the victim anymore.
It’s okay to want to live a loving and forgiving life. It’s good to want to forgive our perpetrators, but if the abuser’s behavior isn’t changing and they continue to hurt you, it’s okay to forgive and move away. The forgiveness is not only for the other person. Forgiveness is for you to be able to put the past in the past and move into a happier life for yourself. It is okay to protect yourself. If moving away is the only way to take care of you, then move away. Forgive with no expectations. Forgive for your Self! And be Happy!
You deserve to be happy. If you have to be alone to make that happen, so be it!
Monday, November 9, 2015
Spending time with my mom for the last three weeks was amazing in more ways than I thought possible. I think we both grew as individual women and in our mother-daughter relationship.
I remembered my mom as a woman who did everything for everyone and taught and sometimes even pushed me to follow her footsteps. Over time she has let go of emotionally controlling me and I have learned to stop behaving as a little girl who did what she wanted and then felt bad and complained. We were both stuck in dysfunctional co-dependent dynamics of a loving and irritating relationship.
Last month, when we were planning her trip to visit me, I was excited to see her and spend time with her, but my close friends also knew that I was a little skeptical of how the three weeks together would be. I was expecting argument about one sore subject at least. But, the three weeks came and went. I just dropped her off at the airport on a flight to Michigan. I think she went home happy.
All I know is I am going to miss her. I miss having tea and lunch with her. We had many conversations about many different topics. I have learned to accept her at her level and it seems like she has decided to accept my way of living and me.
In the whole three weeks we were together, we tried to spend as much time together as we could and sometimes she read her book or watched CNN while I did my work. Anyone who knows my mom knows that when she is here, I don’t have to listen to news, watch sports or look for the weather channel. My mom knows everything. At the end of the day, she will update me with everything important happening in the world. She also updates me on all family news, even when I don’t want to know.
It was fun having my mom here. I am going to miss her. We have grown from loving each other to also respecting each other. It took growing up on both of our parts, and I am happy that we have made peace and are in this wonderful loving place now.
Monday, November 2, 2015
Celebrating the Miracle of My Life
|Mother's day at Kunal's Kindergarten class|
Today I am celebrating the 27th birthday of my first-born son Kunal. Kunal was the first blessing for my positive attitude towards life and the direct result of the power of intention.
|Kunal all grown up!|
About 28 years ago, all I knew was that I had the intention to stay positive and have a child despite being diagnosed with a tumor on my pituitary gland. I was told that I would probably lose my eyesight, live only 20 more years and, worst of all, I was told that I would not be able to conceive a child, and, if I did, I would not be able to carry it full term.
At that time, I wasn’t planning to have a child; I was busy doing my Masters in Mechanical Engineering at the time. But, the probability that I would never have a child broke my heart. Till that moment, I did not know having a child and being a mom was so important to me. I didn’t care about only living 20 more years or going blind, but I could not stop crying at the thought of dying without ever being a mother.
I left the doctor’s office with the horrible news and went straight to my husband’s office still crying. This was a shock to him too. Even though we were not planning to start a family yet - I was still in school and he had just started his new business – we agreed we should start trying to get pregnant right away. Low and behold, 3 months later I was pregnant. We overcame the first prediction that I was not be able to conceive!
We started the journey of carrying the pregnancy to full term under strict doctor’s observation. At one checkup, the doctor could not hear the baby’s heart. The nightmare seemed to be coming true. I was sent for an ultra sound and, to our relief, the baby waved his hand as if saying “Mom, I am okay.” The technicians cheered with us at the sight of that waving hand. I was placed on strict easy life order by the doctor. No stress, no travel, no hard work. It was great. I felt fine, I was not sick and I had a forced vacation.
The baby was growing fine. We waited for the due date with the option to have an emergency C-section at any sign of trouble. The plan was that the baby would grow in the incubator and I would have brain surgery if we saw a problem with the baby or my tumor.
The due date came and went and I was still good and healthy except I gained a lot of weight. I was eating everything by the book, did not want to deprive my baby of anything while he was waiting to come out into this world. If I went to surgery after that he might have had to live without my care for some time while I was ready to take care of him.
Six days past the due date on November 3, 1988, 27 years ago, I gave birth to my beautiful and healthy son Kunal. We have been celebrating the ‘miracle’ of my life, my son’s birth, for 27 years now, and every year I can’t help but think of how much I wanted to be his mother. If I was scared or had given into the negative thoughts of not being able to conceive, I would not be celebrating this miracle and joy for the last 27 years. I wanted a baby at any cost. The cost was inconsequential; my eye was only on the prize of holding my baby. I got it! Incidentally, after Kunal’s birth, the tumor disappeared.
Two years later, we were blessed with another bundle of joy, love and laughter, his brother Rahul. I feel like I have been blessed with two sons because I wanted to be their mother so much that nothing was going to get in the way of accomplishing that goal.
I am grateful to be celebrating my son’s birthday today and being a mother!
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Learning to L.I.V.E. was written to increase awareness of domestic abuse and eradicate this cancer from our society by empowering women and men who are suffering due to this epidemic. My goal is to help them believe that they deserve a life in freedom and self-love.