Inter-faith conflict resolution
Let’s talk about an inter-faith marriage. The groom and bride are
both from East Indian families but their families do not belong to the same
religious backgrounds. The groom’s family is Hindu and the bride is from a
Christian family. On the surface they look the same, they speak the same
language, like the same food and music. As soon as the families heard about the
possible marriage proposal they were not happy and were skeptical about what
the future of this inter-faith union would be.
The families were not willing to inter-mingle and were not willing to
accept a person from a different faith into their family. The couple was given
all the reasons why they must not be together. The families were worried and
asked the couple what religion would their children follow if/when they decided
to have any children.
Because traditionally in an Indian
origin marriage the bride automatically becomes part of the groom’s family and
follows their traditions, there were even talks about what happens when the
bride passes away (dies). Would she be buried according to her own Christian
family traditions or she would be cremated per her married Hindu family
traditions? Both families threatened to
disown their children if the couple did not obey their family’s traditions to
marry in their own faith.
Basically the two families were
giving all the reasons for the couple to not get married because they did not
see a united family structure as both the families dreamed to have with their
expanded in-law family. Despite all their efforts the two families were not
able to convince the young couple to fall apart. The couple went and got
married without the blessings of the families. The families were disappointed.
To make the situation even worse, the bride and groom were the only daughter
and son for the families. If the families stayed upset at the couple and
disowned them as they threatened them earlier, they would lose their only
children and any hopes of playing with their grandchildren in future.
The time passed and the couple was
going on with their lives together. They were overall happy except they did not
have the blessings of their families and had to always schedule times to visit
with them separately. The groom’s family never completely accepted the bride so
the groom would go visit his family off and on by himself, rarely with his wife
and the visit was always awkward. The bride’s visits with her family were not
any better. Her family always nagged and complained about her husband and her
in-law family.
Since they all lived close by, they
were all making it work, until the couple met with a horrible car accident. The
wife got really badly hurt and was in the ICU. While she was in the hospital
they found out that she was pregnant. Due to the accident and the medications
she had to take for her injuries, the doctors cautioned the couple to be very
careful with the new pregnancy. The wife was placed on bed rest for next few
months till they were sure the pregnancy was not in any danger. Her husband was taking care of her while
trying to heal himself. The families were taking turns to cook for them and
help them with chores and errands. While
both extended families were praying to their individual Gods for the safety and
health of their children, it was becoming very difficult for all of them to
stay out of each other’s ways.
Whenever the parents on both sides
got a chance they tried to complain and find faults with the other family. The
wife was still healing from her injuries and was now also nursing a difficult
pregnancy when one day her father came in to her room to ask her if she was
okay. By force of habit, she said she
was fine. As soon as she said that, she stopped her dad and said to him,
“Actually no, I am not fine. I am tired of lying to myself and to all of you. I
am really not fine. I am in pain and I am not sure if I will be able to save my
unborn baby. I am terrified. But, more than all that I am tired of trying to
play a referee between all the complaining and moaning. I just want all this complaining to end. I
love you and I love my husband and his family. We are all family. I need you
all to get along. I do not wish to bring my baby in this world where we can’t
all be happy with each other. Like it or not we are one family.”
Hearing her daughter in physical and
emotional pain broke her father’s heart and his ego. He was standing there, stunned and proud of
her daughter. He knew he loved his daughter too much to cause her anymore
suffering. He knew he had to do something. He just hugged her and asked her to
forgive him for making it difficult for her.
He knew he could not do it alone. He
knew that the grievances have been built over a long period of time. Deep down
he knew he respected his son-in-law for being a good partner and husband for
his daughter. He did not know how to convince the rest of his family and the
groom’s family to agree and play nice.
So, he called a mediator family
friend to help. The mediator knew the families and the situation very well and
agreed to meet the families separately to hear their grievances. He reminded
both families of the love they have for their children and reminded them of the
love they see their children (young couple) have for each other. He encouraged
both families separately to admit that they were just holding on to their egos
while they all knew their children had chosen well when they found each other
and fell in love. The mediator encouraged them to admit that now they all are
one family. With the new baby coming in the family they were about to share a
grandchild together. The mediator was able to help both families see what was
at stake if they did not forgive each other for the past grievances and helped
them learn to live in peace and harmony together.
The mediator asked both families to acknowledge that they were
worried about the baby and were separately praying for the welfare of the
mother and the baby health. They also understood that the constant added stress
from their bickering was not good for the baby’s health. If anything happened to the baby, it would
devastate the mother, father and the grand parents equally.
Once the families were able to acknowledge their love for their
children and the grandchild, the mediator brought both the families together in
one room. Now he reminded all of them of the condition of the new mom to be and
the stress she is under. When everyone
agreed that they were worried for her health and for her pregnancy, the
mediator asked them to think of how they could help reduce the stress for the
new mom and reminded them of the risk of losing the baby if they don’t. He also
reminded them to think about what their relationship would be with their
children if they lost the baby and blamed it on the stress.
Both the families loved their children and grandchild enough to swallow
their pride and try to reconcile for the sake of their family’s greater good.
The mediator congratulated them for being conscious of
the bigger picture and encouraged them to fake it till they make it. They all
agreed to try and be friends as they share their new grandchild.
