UNREPORTED - Domestic Abuse is an unreported crime. Learning to L.I.V.E. is a journey.

UNREPORTED is a self-help and a motivational book based on real stories from people who have lived the life of abuse.  Fictitious names are used in order to protect the identities of the actual persons.  Author, Veera Mahajan, used her life as an example in many parts of the testimonies in order to show what abuse is and how to get out of it. 

This book came out of author’s own divorce and her realization on the day of that divorce that she herself had never

lived a completely free life.  She knew she needed to learn how to live this free life, which she fought so hard to find. So, she interviewed many others who had lived in abuse, had escaped it, and are now living a free empowered life. After many interviews she came to understand that most people do not even know that they are living in an abusive relationship. Although many feel that there is only one kind of abuse, the actuality is that abuse comes in many forms.

Basically, if you are afraid of another human being and you are living under someone else’s control and they make you feel bad about yourself, then the life you are living is indeed an abusive one.  Veera also learned that most people continue to live in abuse because they are afraid to speak up and report abuse.  That is the primary reason that abusers incessantly get away with the hurt they inflict.  And sadly, most often, the abuse goes UNREPORTED.

The book, UNREPORTED, exposes different kinds of abuse.  It demonstrates and points to signs and red flags that should alert us all if we are living in an abusive relationship.  The author hopes to encourage victims of abuse everywhere to know that they deserve better, to drop the victim syndrome and do something about fixing or getting out of the abusive situation. 

Deciding to leave a relationship is hard but if you do decide to leave, this book will give you solid and candid information.  The advice within the lessons learned by the people in these pages will guide and support you with your resolve. The advice in UNREPORTED is the 20/20 hindsight from people who have been there and wish they knew then what they now know.  They are sharing their lives and lessons learned so that you do not feel alone and helpless as you are going through the process of ending an abusive relationship and preparing yourself for a better life. You are not alone. Here is the help available if you are ready to help yourself. 

Learning to L.I.V.E. is a journey.  L.I.V.E. Stands for: 

Learn to Love yourself 

Insist on Freedom

Victory over victim syndrome

Empowered Living. 

Decisions are only as Good as the Follow Through

One of the hardest decisions you will ever make is choosing whether to walk away or try harder.   It is especially hard to make tough decisions about the people in your life. At some point, you have to decide that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life. 

It’s not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and to make your Happiness a priority. It is necessary. 

You know you have made the right decision when there is peace in your heart. Do not second-guess your instincts. Sticking to your decision is very important for any decision to work for you.

The right choices are always the hardest to make, but they have to be made to live the life we deserve.   Sometimes the hardest things and the right things are the same. 

The hard thing is not only making the decision, but the thinking about the reasons you made that

decision and the results you expect to have from that decision.

The decisions are hard to make when you have to choose between where you were and who you want to be, and where you should be.  That’s why it’s important to think a lot before you make a decision. Weigh all the pros and cons. 

Don’t be quick to make a decision, but once you have made a decision, for all the reasons mentioned above, it is important to stick to that decision. 

After going through the difficult task of making a tough decision, if you don’t follow through, the whole painful decision-making process will go to waste and you will be back to square one, wishing you had stuck with the decision. 

I Will Never Take My Freedom for Granted

Today as I wake up I feel blessed to be an American and free! I am thankful to our soldiers who lived and died for our country so that we can continue to enjoy living the free and empowered life. We will always be in debt to them. We should always remember that we have the life we do because of their sacrifices. I am living a good life and I am remembering everyone who worked hard far beyond their comfort zone to give me this life.  I hope to also do my part to make this world a better place.

God bless our soldiers!

Veera

I am a Graduate! It wasn’t easy but I did it!

Yes, I finally graduated with cap, gown and master’s hood. I walked the walk with the class of 2016 at Pepperdine Law School, Straus Institute onto the stage overlooking the beautiful ocean view to receive my diploma certifying that I am a Master of Dispute Resolution. 

Some days in the last two years were difficult juggling classes, exams and magazine deadlines. I want to thank Prof. Tim Pownall who kept me going when I wanted to quit, and Joanna and Randy at the Straus office who answered all my questions and stayed with me when I was panicking.  I also want to thank my sons Kunal and Rahul for always supporting me. I can’t believe my mom who came here for my graduation, even when she was not well. It was nice to see her so happy to see me graduate. I feel blessed and so loved by all my friends and my FB friends for their wishes and support. 

I know I said a couple of months ago that I graduated when I finished all my class work and was done with exams and homework. For all practical purposes I feel I graduated then, but I still had to finish my internship, or as Pepperdine calls it, Externship. Externships are really good for real life experience and preparation I needed to work as a mediator and arbitrator.  Mediation Clinic was another very important program offered at Pepperdine where we use our skill in actual courts to resolve real life disputes though mediation. I am proud to say, I had a 90% success rate during my time in mediation at these courts cases. It is a great feeling when I am able to help two parties resolve a dispute and salvage relationships.

I was always a peacemaker, but now I am a trained peacemaker with the best skill set possible. Pepperdine’s M.D.R. program has been ranked No.1 in the nation for the last 13 years. I am looking forward to using all I have learned at Pepperdine to make this world, or at least our community, a much more peaceful and tolerant place to live and grow. 

I am currently working at Our Lady of Malibu School.  I am excited about my work there because I feel great that I am able to teach the students from a young age how to use words instead of anger and violence to resolve conflicts. The children are learning to listen and put themselves in other’s shoes so that they realize hurting others also makes the hurt and pain grow in themselves. As one of the students after our mediation sessions said, “As I am learning to have better relationships, I am realizing that it is also helping me in my academics.”  I feel so blessed to be part of this transformation. 

As happy as I am to be done with two years of hard work at Pepperdine while continuing to work on the Malibu Chronicle magazine, I’m happy to have become more peaceful and happy myself. I use the mediation skills in my own life as much as possible.  Even though conflicts are a natural part of life, I hope I will be able to resolve most disputes easily and peacefully while maintaining the respect for myself and for my opponents. I feel more confident in navigating my way through life because I have learned better skills for negotiation and mediation. 

I am not a fighter; I am a mediator and peacemaker!

Veera

Veera Mahajan, M.D.R.

People Come Into Your Life For A Reason.

I believe we don’t meet people by mistake or an accident. Everyone comes into our lives for a reason. We might figure out that reason very quickly, learn the lessons we are supposed to learn from each other, and move on to the next step in our growth. Or it could take a lifetime to understand the reasons we crossed paths. Sometimes we end up hurting others and ourselves because we are unable or unwilling to learn the lesson. We blame each other for our misery instead of paying attention to what feelings are triggered and what we need to do to deal with the person or situation. If we pay closer attention to our own feelings, maybe we will learn that honoring ourselves is the lesson that we have to learn from a particular relationship. Maybe we are in a relationship with someone who needs us to be more empowered, and the only way we would feel the need to be empowered and do something about it had to come from the challenges of being with that person. 

My experience has been that the people in our lives come to us because there is something in our own lives and ourselves that we need to learn to become a better person. People in our lives, as challenging they may be, are there to help us grow stronger and smarter to fulfill our life purposes. 

My whole life, from my childhood to just a few years ago, taught me how to feel in difficult and uneven relationships. I always felt a sad and uncomfortable feeling like I could do more but I couldn’t. I always needed someone else’s approval, which was not always available. Even though I did a lot in my life, I always felt I could do more. I always felt I was not living my life fully or freely.  I was only able to move forward and live the wonderful free life of amazing growth when I decided to say NO to being controlled and scared. I had to make drastic changes in my own behavior. I had to endure many difficulties to be able to become the person I am today.  There was a time when I complained and felt hurt by the people in my life, but I now realize and understand that they were important in my life to do what was their job in my life. They came into my life to teach me the lessons I needed to learn. 

I am thankful for everyone who came into my life to help me carve my beautiful life that I enjoy today!

I am happy and free! Life is good!

Being a Mother and a Daughter

Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers and daughters!

Mother’s Day is especially important to me because I am a mother and a daughter.

I worry about my mother as much as I worry about my sons, sometimes more for my mother than my sons.

It is interesting that a time comes in your life when your children are grown and starting their new lives. You worry about your children, but you stand back and watch them struggle for things they want. This is okay because you know you went through the same thing at their age. It is good for

them to fetch for themselves and carve their own lives. It can be difficult to hold back and not roll the red carpet in their path, and let them explore their options on their own. We try as parents to stay in the sidelines, ready to catch them if they fall. As anyone who is a parent knows, once you are a parent, you are a parent forever, and worrying for your children comes with the job description.

At the same time your children are growing and struggling young adults, your parents are at an age where they are struggling because they are getting older and they need your help.  They try to make it on their own, but you know they are weak, tired or just forgetful to manage their everyday lives on their own. Their situation is completely opposite your child’s.  However, you are in the middle worrying about your children and your parents.

Today, I am gratified to see my two sons doing well and growing in the work they love, enjoying the

company of their friends.  It makes me happy and proud to see my sons work hard and succeed.  They are on their way up in the world.  It is all good!

I worry about my mom, as she is enduring a painful and slow recovery from her knee surgery.  I am graduating in a couple of weeks and she wants to be part of that, but I worry that a gap in therapy might be bad for her recovery progress.

I see myself always shifting gears between being a mother and a daughter! Either way I worry, but I wouldn’t have it any other way!  I love being a mother and I love being a daughter.

Veera

*****

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Set your boundaries and stick with them.

For any healthy relationship, may it be a romantic one or with a friend or a grown child, it is important to set boundaries for what makes you feel good and respected in a relationship. Realize that everyone is different and you have your own feelings. No one should be allowed to push themselves on you or expect anything, including your time, unless you are happy with the arrangement. You have to first know how you are different from others and where your discomfort starts. Everyone has their own way of living, giving and accepting things or emotions. You are responsible for your things and emotions. You have the right to have them and not share or be hurt by someone else crossing a line causing you to feel pressured or bad. 

To be able to communicate your boundaries to someone else let alone having them respect your boundaries, you have to first know what those boundaries are, meaning when you don’t like it anymore and are uncomfortable.  To know what makes you uncomfortable you have to pay attention to your feelings and not ignore them. You have to respect yourself and your feelings before you ask or expect someone else to respect your feelings or boundaries. 

Once you figure out your boundaries, you need to communicate in words and make sure they are heard. If they are not heard you many need to show by actions. You cannot set some weak boundaries in your head and let people push them and not respect them. Once you decide to set a boundary, make sure you do not waiver and move them because some one pushes back. If someone gives you a push back when you have clearly communicated your boundary, they are obviously not respecting you or your feelings. Do not give in - otherwise you are showing weakness in yourself and your boundaries. 

You teach people how to respect you by respecting yourself and holding your ground even when people want to push your boundaries. Don’t allow people into your space where you are uncomfortable. 

As soon as you feel uncomfortable and unhappy, you know you have to set a boundary that only you decide if you want to change. Expect people to respect you and your boundaries and enforce them by standing your ground. Do not argue about the reason or the extent of space you need to your self. NO is a full sentence and use it whenever you need to communicate and enforce your need for space. 

When you get stronger and surer about your boundaries there is always a possibility that you might get a push back from others or you might even feel guilty.  Remember taking care of yourself is your right and duty and you are not wrong for setting clear boundaries and expecting people to respect them and you. This is one of the ways you take care of your self.  By setting boundaries you show others that you are grounded in your beliefs and you know what you want and don’t want. That is a powerful stance and you deserve to live an empowered life. 

If setting the boundary causes a backlash, or stay strong and focus on taking care of yourself. Go for a walk, exercise, or find something to do that makes you happy. Do something to re-center yourself and don’t spend too much time and energy focusing on what others say or do. 

Without healthy and strong boundaries we are always blaming others for hurting or disrespecting us when the fact is that we hurt ourselves when we only allow ourselves weak or no boundaries.

Know and set your boundaries and then stick to them. 

*****

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